Discworld crossovers

ruthi - Clark/Otto, lizard (see Disclexia)

"He is a lizard," said Otto, "except zat lizards are not disturbingly obsessive stalkers who could not tell right from wrong if right and wrong ganged up to chop off his head and put a lemon in his mouth -- "

"Maybe," said Clark, "but I love him."

Otto sighed.

yorkiegurl - Legolas/pineapple, microphone

"What manner of thing is this?" cried Legolas, picking up the microphone -- "Ook," the Librarian did not say, being an ailing pineapple, but it somehow managed to imply "If you will wander in L-Space as if it was a magical golden wood ruled by a fairy queen, I can't be responsible for what happens" all the same.

jaseroque - Sam Vimes/Superman, pineapples

"Kill them!" said Vimes, "I'm not having giant mutant pineapples in my city!" -- "But they're made of kryptonite," said Superman, embarrassed, apologetic: Vimes did not sit down and cry, because even the red underwear hadn't made him do that, but it was a close thing.

yonmei - That epic Discworld/Kipling novel where Kim and the lama are seeking wisdom in Ankh-Morpork; and Psmith has joined the City Watch because Mike is rather busy playing cricket with a mixed team of dwarves, trolls, and werewolves, invited by Captain Carrot though there was some initial confusion on account of Carrot signing Vimes's name to the invitation letter. Psmith likes the City Watch and finds it all very amusing. Angua is trying to leave Carrot.

Psmith had so far been pleased with the treatment he had received from Ankh-Morpork.

"Though there are cleaner cities, I challenge the multiverse to offer one equally full of divers alarums and delights," he said. "My trousers may have reason to raise its voice in plaint, supposing my trousers had a voice, which is less unlikely than it might seem in this most excellent world. But it would be churlish for me to join it. Yes, Comrade Jackson, we have landed in the clover and no mistake. While you have been defending wickets from the assaults of werewolves, dwarfs and the like, I have come thrillingly close to being deprived of all my possessions thrice, persuaded a man to fly around the Tower of Art, and held an extremely interesting conversation with the largest man ever to stimulate the Psmith retina. I look forward to the next day. My interest in life, so recently in danger of being destroyed by the ineffable ennui of the daily grind, is revived. The whisper goes around the clubs: 'Psmith smiles again.'"

Mike thought about this.

"Shouldn't think there are any clubs here," he said.

* * *

"But I thought the new private seemed all right, sarge," said Nobby. "Friendly lad. Had a lot to say for himself."

"Oh, yes, I think he'll do well enough," said Carrot.

"It ain't natural, is all I'm saying," muttered Colon. "You should of seen the face of that last thief. We're going to get complaints from the Guild, you see if we don't."

"Ah, well," said Carrot tolerantly. "He'll soon learn how the city works. And the ability to talk thieves out of stealing isn't such a bad talent for a Watchman to have, when you think about it."

"We've still got that last bloke in the cells! He says he's never coming out till we promise we won't let Psmith speak to him again! And we can't promise that 'cos nobody knows how to make him stop!"

"Well," said Carrot. "I'm sure, in time, when he gets used to our ways ... "

"Police brutality is what they'll call it," said Colon. "You just wait and see. I've never heard anything like it."

* * *

"Sausage inna bun?" said Dibbler hopefully. "Filling lunch for -- " he scanned the new potential customer, and decided to go for broke -- "just five dollars, and that's cuttin' me own throat -- "

The old bloke began to speak, but that was when the foot landed squarely in the back of Dibbler's knee.

"Begone, son of dogs! This is a very holy man, and he wants nothing of your wares," said the kid.

"I'm sure I was just -- "

"Your mother lay with asses and your uncle consorted with ewes," the kid informed him serenely, steering Dibbler's mark -- customer away.


"This is a great and terrible world," murmured the lama. "Whence now, my chela?"

"We go to the home of a most bountiful woman, O Holy One -- a woman of surpassing generosity -- a woman with many dragons."

"Dragons, chela?"

"It is a great and terrible world, O Holy One," said Kim. "But if I could not feed thee even here, I could not call myself thy chela -- nay, nor Kim, Friend of all the World. Come, and see what wonders thy disciple has wrought for thee!"

* * *

"If you want to know," said Angua stiffly. "Carrot and I aren't. Anymore."

"Oh," said Sally.

Shut up, shut up, thought Angua, but her mouth kept moving. "So if you want to move in on him, I'm sure it's not any of my business."

"No, it's not, actually," said Sally pleasantly.

Angua went red.

"Just wanted to make that clear," she muttered. Sally didn't seem to be listening.

"Is it because of the new kid?" she said. "The one who never stops talking?"

"No," said Angua. "No. It's not because of any other man."

"Ah," said Sally. Angua was never quite sure what happened next, but suddenly Sally was very close next to her, and she had Angua's hand in hers.

"I don't -- " said Angua.

"Then maybe it is your business after all," said Sally.

"Oh. Right. I guess maybe I do, then," said Angua lamely. Sally smiled, brilliantly.

"Great," she said. "Because so do I, as it happens."

"Good," said Angua, "good," and thank the gods, she was saved from making an even bigger fool of herself than she had already, because you couldn't say anything stupid when you were being kissed very expertly by an annoying recovered vampire.

shati - Vetinari and Ahiru

"I hope we're agreed -- again -- on the inadvisability of messing around with fairy tales after a particularly larky dinner, Archchancellor?"

"Quite, quite," said Mustrum Ridcully, but he didn't seem to be giving his full attention to the conversation. In fact, if he had been any other person, Vetinari would have said that he looked ... embarrassed.

"Then I believe that's settled," said Vetinari. "Do not allow me to detain you, Archchancellor."

"Ah, there's just one more thing."


"What," said Ridcully desperately, "are we going to do about the duck?"

Vetinari's expression did not change.


Ridcully looked at his colleagues. Ponder Stibbons visibly nerved himself, stepped up and laid the subject of discussion on Vetinari's desk.

To be precise, it was a duckling.


"No place for animals, the University," said Ridcully. "Got a damned way of turning the little buggers sentient."

The duckling surveyed Vetinari with eyes both desperately adorable and unnervingly intelligent.

"Quack," it remarked. It seemed to be enjoying itself. It looked around itself, billed an ink-pot, then waddled over to his work and started peering at his papers. One could almost suppose it was reading.

Vetinari was never wrong. If he appeared to be suffering symptoms of insanity, therefore, it must be that sanity was inapplicable in this case.

"I do not think that will be a concern with this particular animal," murmured Vetinari.

"What's that?"

"Nothing," said Vetinari. "You may leave the duck to me, gentlemen."

A ripple of concern moved through the assembled group of wizards.

"You will look after her, sir?" said Ponder anxiously. "She likes bread."

Frowning, the duckling tugged a letter from the Watch out from the shadow of a file. It appeared to be having problems with Captain Carrot's spelling. Vetinari could sympathise.

"I assure you," said Vetinari, "I will make every effort to ensure that she is treated with appropriate care."

One of a kind is special.

Anonymous - Susan Sto Helit and Haruhi

"Susan-san, wait!" The quiet one -- Haruhi -- was panting, her hands on her knees. She straightened up as Susan turned around. "I wanted to ask you -- "

"I do not want a cup of tea," said Susan dangerously. "I am not interested in compliments on the marvellous flexibility of my hair, I don't care if you keep it in the family as long as you keep it to yourselves, and I hate cake!"

"That's not what I wanted to ask," said Haruhi. "You said sometimes you met dead people."

Susan looked Haruhi up and down. "You believed me?"

"Of course," said Haruhi.

"You don't strike me as the sort of person who believes in ghosts."

"Oh, I don't," said Haruhi. "But I know dead people exist."

Susan blinked. It was, she thought, like stumbling upon a sane wizard. You found it hard to believe your ears.

"Good answer," said Susan. "What did you want to ask me?"

"A favour," said Haruhi. She handed Susan an envelope. "Could you pass that to my mother, if you ever meet her? Her name's Fujioka Kotoko. She looks a little like me."

"Oh." Susan stared down at the envelope. It was brown. "I don't think it's likely that I'd have the chance to pass this to her, Haruhi."

"I didn't think so," said Haruhi. "But ... just in case."

"What's in it?" said Susan, and immediately regretted it. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that -- "

"It just says thank you," said Haruhi. "And that I'm glad she was my mother."

"Don't you think she'd know that?"

"No," said Haruhi, surprised. "I never told her. People don't suddenly know things just because they're dead, do they?"

"They tend to be even more confused than they were when they were alive, in my experience," said Susan. She tucked the envelope away in a pocket. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," said Haruhi.

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