"Blah blah epistolary Lawrence of Arabia fic," says Carmarthen. "Dear Ali, I've got a cold," I reply.

We alternated lines pretty much at random. Warning: has no redeeming points whatsoever.

* * *

Dear Ali
by afrai and Carmarthen

* * *

Dear Ali, I've got a cold. England is wet. Yours sincerely, etc.

Dear Lawrence, serves you right for buggering off to England. Yours sincerely, etc.

Dear Ali, you didn't expect me to be sensible, did you? Silly Ali. Yrs. with affection, Lawrence

Dear Lawrence, no, I knew you were nuts when I started boinking you. Yrs, etc.

Dear Ali, you do understand why I left, right? Yrs, etc.

Dear Ali, bugger, I don't understand. Yrs, etc.

Dear Ali, am coming to visit, posthaste. Find me a camel. Yrs, Lawrence

Dear Ali, had breakdown on the plane and killed some Turkish delights. V. worried about my state of mind. Am staying in England. Yrs, Lawrence

Dear Lawrence, you bastard. I hope you rot. Serves you right for coming along and turning my life upside-down and then leaving. Yrs, Ali

Dear Ali, that was a low blow. Am v. disappointed in you. Yrs, etc.

Dear Lawrence, that was a bloody stupid excuse, anyway. Am beginning to suspect you don't want to see me. Yrs, etc.

Dear Ali, your cruelty drives me to riding motorcycles at dangerous speeds. So there. Yrs, etc.

Dear Lawrence, you idiot. You know you belong in the desert. All is forgiven; just get on the bloody aeroplane! Yrs, etc.

Dear Ali, am on aeroplane. Hoping to avoid breakdown-triggering desserts by burying my head under the cushions. Yrs, etc.

Dear Ali, forgot how...sandy desert is. Also, camels. Have awful sunburn. Yrs, etc.

Dear Lawrence, wuss. Yrs affectionately, etc.

Dear Ali, I am sitting in your tent writing this...oh hell, let's fuck!

And they all lived happily ever after.

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